I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
