This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
