At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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