I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
