So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
