3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
