That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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