that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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