some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
