Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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