I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
