genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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