Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Welp...herpes.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
