i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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