Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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