Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize