She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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