I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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