bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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