Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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