I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
