I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize