she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
