If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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