I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
