Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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