Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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