She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
