I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize