Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
