I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
