I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
