do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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