my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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