I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
