He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
