I can't breathe out the right side of my face
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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