My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
