Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
