And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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