Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
