I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
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