she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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