I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
