your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
