Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
