I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
