I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
