i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize