Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
