I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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