I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize