The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
