I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
