Duck Duck Cougar?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
