Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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