I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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