final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
