I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
