I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm at about main and main street
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
