He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
