Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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