Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
