shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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