Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
