I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
