Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
