Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
worst night to have a conscience
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize