Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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